Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Out is through

I'd rate 2014, on the whole, as a five on a ten point scale, because it was both the best and worst year of my life to date. In almost every major way the circumstances of my existence look different than they did a year ago; unrecognizable in some ways.  I experienced shattering feelings of pain and loss, of serious betrayal, and the dismantling (of at least the illusion) of stability and predictability. Periods of severe emotional suffering that felt bordering on the unbearable. I also formed the strongest friendships and community that I have ever had. This solidification of meaningful connections with a number of incredibly beautiful people diverse in age, faith and personality, has fed my soul above all else.

 I have been forced to develop an autonomy and independence that is, I think, wildly healthy despite how difficult it has been to forge, especially initially. A year ago I was married and largely isolated, and saw almost nobody aside from my spouse and family. Now my home is frequently alive with the activity of my roommate and her friends and mine; I take regular part in activities in my town.  In all, I have experienced more new things in six months than in the last decade. I also must earn my own living as best I can now.  My world has changed and expanded so dramatically, so quickly, that sometimes I briefly worry that I may someday wake up in psychological shock.

The only way out of 2014 was through 2014 but I am absolutely glad that I made it, for the net change has been, despite the burns sustained, a certain positive gain.

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